Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
