You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
