That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
