God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
