She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
