Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
