i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
