Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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