This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
