I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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