i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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