Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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