it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
