So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
