It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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