how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Never joke about your clitoris.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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