I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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