Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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