Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
