Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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