I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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