My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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