I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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