Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
