I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
