Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
