I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
