Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
