that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
