So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
