Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
