Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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