I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
COCAINE IS GR8
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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