Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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