Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
