Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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