I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
