I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
