i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
