We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
