He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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