Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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