my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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