what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
