I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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