im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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