hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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