the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
