he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
