I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
