i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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