Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
