Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
