OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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