'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
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I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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