what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
