He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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