The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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