Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
