I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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