watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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