Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
