My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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