i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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